break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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