isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
