Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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