Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
