When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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