she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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