he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
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My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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