honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
