i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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