Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
