ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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