i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
