My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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