Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
