Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
my phone needs a breathalizer
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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