i need an iv and a liver transplant
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
