Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
