i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
