Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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