he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We need a shit load of segways right now
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
