My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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