Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
