I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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