surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm really busy with my period
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