Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
