Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
