Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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