I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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