I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
