I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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