The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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