i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
