i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
