I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
