I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
