I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
