from now on my penis is your penis
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
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