So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
