We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
