I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
