Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
