things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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