Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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