Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
