genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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