i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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