I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
