I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize