not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
