I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
