We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
