Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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