Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
