break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No I am not eating basil off your cock
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I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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