you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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