Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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