It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
