watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You are a genius and a whore.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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